Oh I am a nervous wreck.
Sometimes when I raise my hands, I half-pray she does not choose me. She scares me. And she picks me up everytime. Don't worry, am used to this depreciating luck factor.
Maybe tomorrow she makes me answer even when I don't volunteer. But thats a story for another day.
I stand. She tells me to sit down, and speak that way. Dignity, Respect .. or maybe "Feed the goat well before you kill it."
Why do I need to be the goat, always ? No not the scapegoat, just a goat. The volunteer who never wanted to volunteer. Scapegoats are forced to, I am not. I chose death, in her hands. Guts I have.
The class's scope of vision swivels towards me. Here in the spotlight, all I want is to shrink into a corner where no one could ever find me. I feel light-headed. Now light here is literally light .. as in weightlessness . The few pounds of my brains amiss. Guess that is where the term originated from. grammar police, Check. [Wait did I write grammar with a small "G" . Oh then . Shoot me, again.] Its not that my mind stops working, it just decides to take a walk. Often. Then there I am. Looking at her. Her eyes on her prey. I smile. She doesn't. I blurt out some incoherent stuff, wishing I had made mental notes before I spoke - which I obviously did not. My palms sweat. My knees tremble. My lips refuse to open. Breathing is forgotten. Then she smiles. She smiles and all she says is "Interesting". And moves on to another person. Life returns.
Its then that my brain comes strolling back. And starts functioning, trying to hide the fact of its evident absence through its hyper-activity.
"Was my point so worthless
Did it not even deserve a discussion?
Am I no use at all?
Will I get any marks at all in the much acclaimed "Class-Participation" thing?
Did I appear silly ?
Will they laugh at me ?
And I smile.
I ask my worthless little brain, "Does it matter, dumbwit ?".
And it shuts up for good.
Silly silly mind."
Just then, someone forwards an unsolved sudoku with a pen-tap on my head. And all sins are forgotten. The little dumbwit races into action. HER existence is ignored. I am one with myself now :).
And her ?
Well for one thing, she is one individual I respect.
But she scares me.
Intellect has always scared me.
Intellect is something I have always respected too.
Contradictions ?
Well life is all about contradictions and paradoxes.
Truly yours,
Lock
Sometimes when I raise my hands, I half-pray she does not choose me. She scares me. And she picks me up everytime. Don't worry, am used to this depreciating luck factor.
Maybe tomorrow she makes me answer even when I don't volunteer. But thats a story for another day.
I stand. She tells me to sit down, and speak that way. Dignity, Respect .. or maybe "Feed the goat well before you kill it."
Why do I need to be the goat, always ? No not the scapegoat, just a goat. The volunteer who never wanted to volunteer. Scapegoats are forced to, I am not. I chose death, in her hands. Guts I have.
The class's scope of vision swivels towards me. Here in the spotlight, all I want is to shrink into a corner where no one could ever find me. I feel light-headed. Now light here is literally light .. as in weightlessness . The few pounds of my brains amiss. Guess that is where the term originated from. grammar police, Check. [Wait did I write grammar with a small "G" . Oh then . Shoot me, again.] Its not that my mind stops working, it just decides to take a walk. Often. Then there I am. Looking at her. Her eyes on her prey. I smile. She doesn't. I blurt out some incoherent stuff, wishing I had made mental notes before I spoke - which I obviously did not. My palms sweat. My knees tremble. My lips refuse to open. Breathing is forgotten. Then she smiles. She smiles and all she says is "Interesting". And moves on to another person. Life returns.
Its then that my brain comes strolling back. And starts functioning, trying to hide the fact of its evident absence through its hyper-activity.
"Was my point so worthless
Did it not even deserve a discussion?
Am I no use at all?
Will I get any marks at all in the much acclaimed "Class-Participation" thing?
Did I appear silly ?
Will they laugh at me ?
And I smile.
I ask my worthless little brain, "Does it matter, dumbwit ?".
And it shuts up for good.
Silly silly mind."
Just then, someone forwards an unsolved sudoku with a pen-tap on my head. And all sins are forgotten. The little dumbwit races into action. HER existence is ignored. I am one with myself now :).
And her ?
Well for one thing, she is one individual I respect.
But she scares me.
Intellect has always scared me.
Intellect is something I have always respected too.
Contradictions ?
Well life is all about contradictions and paradoxes.
Truly yours,
Lock
0 comments:
Post a Comment